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Wankin’ Willard?

19 Jul

Comic actor Fred Willard was arrested on suspicion of committing a “lewd act” at the XXX Tiki Theater in Hollywood on Wednesday night.  The 72-year-old actor was detained after a routine, uniformed LAPD inspection of the theater (yes, apparently pornographic theaters are patrolled routinely).

Aside:  I had no idea that XXX theaters still existed Continue reading

Bud Light Platinum

29 Jan

Somewhere, likely in Missouri, someone decided that Bud Light just wasn’t getting America’s college students and off-duty bus drivers drunk fast enough.  Why sell it in a brown beer bottle, when it can be blue? Let’s pretend there is somehow a premium clientele for our high selling, beer-flavored enhanced water beverage.  The end result, is Bud Light Platinum.

Anheuser-Busch’s newest creation boasts a 6 percent alcohol by volume, (up from 4.2%) and a special blue bottle normally reserved for over priced mineral water sold to women in funny hats at the race courses.  Bud Light Platinum is even stronger than Continue reading

PETA vs. Nintendo

20 Nov

This is just as ridiculous as it sounds.  There is a pending lawsuit between People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) and Nintendo regarding the Tanooki suit in the new Super Mario Bros. 3D game for Nintendo 3DS.  No lie…I saw it on a few days ago.

For those who don’t know, the Tanooki suit was introduced in Super Mario Bros. 3 for NES.  You may recall getting a red feather and then sprouting a pair of ears and a raccoon tail and suddenly you were able to fly and tail swipe.

The full Tanooki suit is all the way to the right.  Nintendo being Nintendo tried to incorporate some nostalgic elements Continue reading

Escape from the Zooey

2 Nov

A while back, one of my favorite blogger/columnists Drew Magary wrote something about the seemingly unstoppable force that is Taylor Swift. While it was a humor piece, the message was clear.  Finally someone voiced their frustrations about a young woman who despite her own good intentions, was being forced down the throats of the American public at large, in four minute sugary doses of pre-teen country songs.  It was a refreshing take on a celebrity who more or less got a free pass in public relations because her big moment Continue reading

Museum Replicas Limited

27 Oct

It is not often that I consider myself blessed, but every two months or so, our apartment receives a copy of Museum Replicas Limited and I immediately retreat to the bathroom to leaf through it on the can.  I got a copy in the mail shortly after my roommate and I moved in and the first thing I thought was I bet these guys made a mint with all the bros the Halloween after 300 came out in theaters…”I NEED a costume that is COOL and can show EVERYBODY how JACKED I am!”  This catalog is anything but cool (at least in the traditional sense). Continue reading

A Hipster’s Guide to Online Dating or Why Online Dating Blows

24 Oct

I am writing this because a friend expressed to me that he wished there was a Consumer Report for dating websites.  I’ll do the best that I can since I’ve had some experience with a few sites and know others that have traded notes with me.

Online dating is becoming more and more popular in modern day culture for those people that are emotionally available, but don’t really have a venue for meeting people outside of friends, friends of friends, or the bars.  I finally relented and started a profile about two years ago when I recognized that I am awful with meeting/talking to women.  This is three years after my friend Slippy created an eHarmony account for me one day when I was at class in college after whining too much; I was listed as an alcoholic hang-glider that was obsessed with “The Jungle Book”….and I deserved it. Continue reading

Shia Labeouf Gets Pummeled

18 Oct

I’ve been waiting for this since he was cast as the lead in Transformers (my favorite childhood cartoon and a movie franchise that I have avoided like the plague).  Finally, Shia Labeouf gets his ass kicked Continue reading

Boy George

3 Oct

I work in an insurance office and so I frequently have to add/delete vehicles off of clients’ policies.  This means that often have to recite Vehicle Identification Numbers.  As VINs are 17 digits/letters long, people usually assign a word for each letter to avoid confusion (i.e. “A” as in “apple,” “V” as in “Victor,” “S” as in “syphilis”).  For whatever reason, any time the VIN contains a juxtaposed “B” and “G,” everybody (customer service reps, dealers, clients, etc…) automatically says “Boy George.”  Not “‘B’ as in ‘boy, ‘G’ as in ‘George,'” – “Boy George!”  I must hear it at least three times a day.  It’s just a bizarre anomaly.  Only once, I heard a woman use “Boy Girl,” but she also sounded slow.  The auto insurance industry is apparently a massive underground culture club.

The Black-out Beast

2 Oct

Some months ago, my friend Snacky and I moved into a new apartment downtown in Albany’s Mansion District.  Immediately, we discovered that it was only a 4-minute walk to Hill St. Cafe.  It is my favorite bookend bar: beginning and ending nights.  This post concerns ending nights…

With very few exceptions, like private parties or sporting events, the clientele is largely locals and you’ll see the same faces over and over again.  There is one face…one blimpy, pock-marked face that turns up after 3am.  And watch out, because she prays on guys who have had too much to drink!

The Black-out Beast.

Snacky and I have decided to refer to her in mixed company as “BoB.”

She’s about 5’6″, 220 lbs. and absolutely poured into her unflattering dresses, most of which look like you could have a family picnic on.  She’s the type of girl that no amount of alcohol could make her bangable.  This creature will drag men who cannot talk, let alone walk, back to her slampig cave and, oh god, I just swallowed bile.  Some of the men I never see again and so it’s possible that she has devoured some of her victims.

I’ve found that the best defense tactic is to drink in the buddy system.  I’m also pretty sure that she can’t see if you’re not moving.

The Mangler

30 Sep

Two years ago I was living in a two-family home with five friends.  It was like a frat house minus the bros, rape and shitty beer.

My friend and roommate at the time, joeb87, noticed one morning that someone had taken his block of pepper jack cheese out of the refrigerator, gnawed on one corner, and replaced it in the deli drawer.  We laughed, wondering who the hell would be that much of a dirtbag.

Throughout the next two weeks, there were another three or four attacks.  The culprit hit the pepper jack again, hard, joeb87’s jar of peanut butter got hand-scooped and there was a mysterious disappearance of a bag of Doritos.  We began referring to said monster as The Mangler Continue reading