Wankin’ Willard?

19 Jul

Comic actor Fred Willard was arrested on suspicion of committing a “lewd act” at the XXX Tiki Theater in Hollywood on Wednesday night.  The 72-year-old actor was detained after a routine, uniformed LAPD inspection of the theater (yes, apparently pornographic theaters are patrolled routinely).

Aside:  I had no idea that XXX theaters still existed until today.  My reasoning behind their extinction was simple and would have easily solved Mr. Willard’s problem: the Internet.  Commit lewd acts in the comfort of your own home!  Save lewd acts in public for other geriatric exhibitionists that aren’t pseudo-celebrities.  If Mr. Willard has a dial-up connection, I propose that this website start raising money to fund a year’s subscription to high-speed service.

Willard has been a frequent collaborator with mockumentary actor/director Christopher Guest.  His more recent activity includes AnchormanWall-E and the Tim and Eric Show Awesome Show Great Job!  Willard’s attorney claimed yesterday that he believes that his client has “done nothing wrong.”  He paid to see a pornographic film and they stream for free on the internet; if anything he was fiscally irresponsible.

It certainly sounds a lot like the 1991 arrest of actor Paul Reubens (Pee-wee Herman) for indecent exposure in Sarasota, Florida.  In this case, a lewd act and indecent exposure may be six of one, half-a-dozen of another.  Or perhaps Willard was just heavy petting his trousers?  One can only hope for Willard’s sake that his career isn’t black-balled the way that Reubens’ was.  He’s already reportedly been fired by PBS.  Who knows?  Some retirement-age men may instead be impressed at the elder man’s libido.

There are a few morals to this story:

1)  Avoid XXX theaters, especially if you’re a celebrity.

2)  If you pop a chub a in public, hide your shame, don’t take advantage of it.

3)  Fast-speed internet is a must for modern “libido management.”

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One Response to “Wankin’ Willard?”

  1. Andee July 26, 2012 at 7:23 am #

    “Wha happen?”

    Fun fact: the theater in which Willard was nabbed is apparently the only remaining theater in Los Angeles that still plays straight pornography. So, he’s got that going for him.

    In all honesty, 72 might be juuuussttt outside the perimeters of knowing how to effectively use the internet to obtain boatloads of free smut. Besides, I bet he’s got a hell of a print collection. WHO HOLDS THE POWER WHEN THE POWER IS OUT!?

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