Escape from the Zooey

2 Nov

A while back, one of my favorite blogger/columnists Drew Magary wrote something about the seemingly unstoppable force that is Taylor Swift. While it was a humor piece, the message was clear.  Finally someone voiced their frustrations about a young woman who despite her own good intentions, was being forced down the throats of the American public at large, in four minute sugary doses of pre-teen country songs.  It was a refreshing take on a celebrity who more or less got a free pass in public relations because her big moment was shit on by Kanye West.  (Another thing people don’t point out, is that KANYE WAS RIGHT about what he said.  Have you seen the “Single Ladies” video?)  Taylor Swift’s vice grip on the world at large has loosened as of late, with most people in the entertainment industry unnerved when she didn’t unravel ala Britney or Lindsey.  But in the immortal words of Jello Biafra…

“We’ve got a bigger problem now.”

Zooey Deschanel.

The actress/faux-musician has completed her ascension into superstardom, which is punctuated by her new television show, “The New Girl.”  What has happened is now America LOVES their little hipster princess in clunky glasses.  Does she even fucking need glasses?  She starred in certain hipster-noire films such as the absolutely insufferable and heavy handed 500 Days of Summer, and weak-if-not-relatable Our Idiot Brother.  Anyways, as if being the poster girl for hipstermainstream television shows/films wasn’t enough, SHE’S ALSO IN A FUCKING BAND!  She & Him offers an accessible duet blend of indie rock while pouring a nice tall glass of water over the folk career of someone like M. Ward.  I think he needs to come out publicly and say he’s only doing this to get her into bed.  There is no other reason, is there?  Pitchfork offers nothing in the way of resistance  to this, like they did for Scarlett Johansson.  One of her redeeming qualities was her inaccessibility, being married to indie/emo dough boy Ben Gibbard of Death Cab for Cutie.  This is no longer the case, filing for divorce as of yesterday.  YOU HEAR THAT LONELY NERD BOYS OF AMERICA? YOUR GODDESS ISN’T FUCKING THE GUY WHO SINGS “SUCH GREAT HEIGHTS” ANYMORE!  That sound you just heard was a million 18-25 year old idiots running to Salvation Army to find that extra perfect tweed blazer so she might notice.  (Nice elbow patches, brah)  All we can hope is that the hype surrounding the show will fade, and perhaps FOX will cancel it/it will be picked up by the CW, like all other terrible shows like this.  Perhaps I sound crazy, but don’t say you haven’t been warned.

5 Responses to “Escape from the Zooey”

  1. marenamitchell November 2, 2011 at 6:10 pm #

    God dammit I hate Zooey Deschanel!!! I’m glad you wrote this before I had to. I’m so tired of her stupid “I’m cute but really awkward, look at my bangs!” gimmick. And does she really HAVE to sing in every movie she’s in? Honestly. There are websites dedicated to making yourself look like her. I seriously don’t get it.

  2. the self-hating hipster November 2, 2011 at 7:34 pm #

    Looks like the District and Ben Gibbard Sleep Alone Tonight…

  3. Chelly November 10, 2011 at 7:36 pm #

    You make some valid points, BUT! I will take Zooey Deschanel and ladies of the like over the fame-whoring abominations that comprise the majority of television these days. Haters gon’ hate, but I will gladly welcome more Zooeys into mainstream media if it means there will be less Kardashians, and less people keeping up with them.

  4. burnalittledeeper December 6, 2011 at 12:29 am #

    personally i am on the pro zooey side of things.
    but i got to say this is pretty funny.

  5. Andee December 6, 2011 at 10:18 am #

    Someone pointed out to me that I forgot to mention she comes from a rich Hollywood elite family. So, once again no one wins and we all buy the She & Him Christmas record.

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