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The Black-out Beast

2 Oct

Some months ago, my friend Snacky and I moved into a new apartment downtown in Albany’s Mansion District.  Immediately, we discovered that it was only a 4-minute walk to Hill St. Cafe.  It is my favorite bookend bar: beginning and ending nights.  This post concerns ending nights…

With very few exceptions, like private parties or sporting events, the clientele is largely locals and you’ll see the same faces over and over again.  There is one face…one blimpy, pock-marked face that turns up after 3am.  And watch out, because she prays on guys who have had too much to drink!

The Black-out Beast.

Snacky and I have decided to refer to her in mixed company as “BoB.”

She’s about 5’6″, 220 lbs. and absolutely poured into her unflattering dresses, most of which look like you could have a family picnic on.  She’s the type of girl that no amount of alcohol could make her bangable.  This creature will drag men who cannot talk, let alone walk, back to her slampig cave and, oh god, I just swallowed bile.  Some of the men I never see again and so it’s possible that she has devoured some of her victims.

I’ve found that the best defense tactic is to drink in the buddy system.  I’m also pretty sure that she can’t see if you’re not moving.

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Cell Phone

1 Oct

I hadn’t hated myself more in recent memory than today.  I woke up at 2:40pm still drunk from last night and went to grab my phone which usually sleeps with me.  It wasn’t there.  I checked the floor, the common room, the kitchen, the refrigerator (I’ve found it in there before).  I couldn’t have lost it out, because I didn’t go out…because it was a Friday and I’m in my mid-20’s.

I felt a draft from an open window and the thought occurred to me that I should check the back deck.  There was my phone, sitting precariously on the back ledge, completely soaked.  I barely recalled going outside at around 4am to have a cigarette that my friend left behind which I completely didn’t need for two reasons: 1) my health, and 2) a cigarette at the end of a long night of drinking usually cuts my drunken motor skills in half and I end up decorating my body with bruises.

I immediately disassembled the phone and  dried it the best I could.  It didn’t respond to the power button.  I left it on the charger in front of a fan for two hours (because I don’t own a god damn blow-dryer).  Now, the power button doesn’t work, but the phone does respond when it is opened.  I am praying that the touch screen still works, otherwise, this will be the third Droid that I have gone through.

This whole experience was a bit of a reality check.  I am far too dependent on my phone for somebody who is not important at all.  I wonder how many times a day I check facebook on my phone thinking “I wonder what’s new” only to realize that I checked it 15 minutes prior and nothing ever happens ever.

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The Mangler

30 Sep

Two years ago I was living in a two-family home with five friends.  It was like a frat house minus the bros, rape and shitty beer.

My friend and roommate at the time, joeb87, noticed one morning that someone had taken his block of pepper jack cheese out of the refrigerator, gnawed on one corner, and replaced it in the deli drawer.  We laughed, wondering who the hell would be that much of a dirtbag.

Throughout the next two weeks, there were another three or four attacks.  The culprit hit the pepper jack again, hard, joeb87’s jar of peanut butter got hand-scooped and there was a mysterious disappearance of a bag of Doritos.  We began referring to said monster as The Mangler Continue reading →

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Strangeness on a Train

26 Sep

I decided to take a train back from NYC because the Megabus, though inexpensive, is entirely unreliable and I usually get parked near the bathroom.  I bought a ticket for the 7:15 departing from Penn Station, and in typical me fashion, I hailed a cab slightly wine-drunk at 6:35 with (piloted by the angriest middle easterner I’ve ever had to deal with) and ended up in line for my ticket at 7:11.

The train was on time and so I hustled with my dorky, over-sized duffle down the escalator nearly KO’ing an elderly woman.  The first and second cars were packed.  To my elation, there was an open seat next to an adorable, pocket-sized hipster girl in the first row of the third car.  I politely asked if I could sit next to her to which she replied a nearly inaudible “yup” (or “yum”…I was kind of hoping it was “yum”).  I vaulted the early 90’s Adidas competitive badminton player edition duffel onto the luggage rack, grabbed my supplies and sat down.

Then the anxiety set in.

I realized a number of things.  I had a clear sweat-stripe across my polo shirt from sprinting to the train.  My breath reeked of wine and I was out of mints.  My “supplies” were my iPod, headphones and my Nintendo DS…I knew I should have brought a god damn book.  I made eye-contact with her with a face that was to read “I realize that I look like a complete nerd but would you consider converstion in spite of that?” but as I did, my headphones ravaged my eardrums with full-volume Boards of Canada (I must remember to always check the volume if my iPod has been in my pocket).  I was left convulsing and she promptly faced the window.

It was a quiet ride.

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Joe Son Gets What He Deserves

11 Sep

So it turns out Joe Son,  the idiot who played Random Task in the first, and only watchable Austin Powers, is not only famous for these idiotic actions: Joe Son carries cross to ring; wears thong, not all in one fight, or this deserving punishment: Groin strikes of death. But he’s also infamous for his heinous crime of felony torture and gang rape. It’s a shame Keith Hackney couldn’t have done those groin strikes four years earlier. Son was sentenced to life in prison. May he be remembered as a bad actor, a winless fighter, and an atrocious human being.

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David Bowie: Repo Man

5 Sep

In 1977, David Bowie teamed up with Iggy Pop to “co-write” and produce The Idiot.  The Stooges had been defunct for about three years and Pop, thanks to copious amounts of drugs, was also defunct.  With Bowie’s direction, The Idiot was a great success and was able to effectively keep Iggy Pop’s name on the pop/rock radar. Continue reading →

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Sound Ordinance

31 Aug

According to an electronic sign on Lark Street, the City of Albany now has a sound ordinance for “loud, audible music” playing in cars.  Not five minutes after I saw that sign, flashing lights came up behind me on Madison Avenue while I was blaring Gary Numan.  I turned the music down at once and stopped at a red light with the officer behind me.  When the light turned green, I slowly pulled over to the right.  The officer passed by me and sped off down the hill.  My heart rate slowed back down and then I just felt like an asshole.  I couldn’t help thinking, however, how cool it would be to have a ticket for blasting “The Pleasure Principle.”

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Cockroach

26 Aug

So, I think I just found a cockroach in the first floor of my apartment building.  I thought cockroaches only bothered people in trendy cites.  In any event, I roundhouse-kicked his face off.

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