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Online Dating Experiment: Week 1

1 Nov

Much to my own chagrin, we are into our first week of Marena’s-going-to-write-about-online-dating-from-a-female-perspective experiment.

The results? Well, for one thing, they’re unsurprising.

Before we get into it, I suppose you should check out my profile. I tried to keep it as honest as possible, but considering the circumstances under which I’m doing this, I couldn’t help but be a bit of an idiot in my descriptions.

So there’s this thing where you answer ”match questions”, which I guess helps determine compatibility. However, it also makes this fun little chart for you. Here’s mine:

Nice right? And for the record, I wouldn’t go out with someone only if they were paying. It’s yes or no with this chick. They picked really random questions that I answered to make this. I would have rather seen a flowchart with the questions I answered about sex or politics, but here we are. Cats, jealousy, and booze.

…maybe it is fitting/accurate.

These questions are a bit weird sometimes. Not to mention a little vague. One asked “Are you more lonely or horny?”
Well if I’m horny it’s probably because I haven’t gotten any, which would imply at least a little loneliness, no?
Granted, I’m usually horny regardless of how my lonely-levels are.
Have I mentioned how much I hate the word “horny”?

Anyway, I’ve started getting these emails from the website telling me that people have ”chosen” me, which includes a little blurb saying that I’ve been rated with four stars or higher?
Um? You’re rating me? On what? I won’t get into the issues I have with this system, just know that I think it’s absurd.

Now, messages. So far I’ve gotten three. One of which simply said, “How are you?”
I didn’t respond. Polite? Yes. Interesting? No.
You have my whole profile page at your disposal. PICK something and write to me about it for the love of God! Isn’t that the point of this thing? That you have a chance to sit and think about something good to say?
Ugh.

The second asked if I like “gotees” (goatees) and spelled ketchup “katchup”. He also refuses to spell the entire word “you”. I told him I think goatees are completely untrustworthy. Here’s his response:
“OK. So u like clean shaven guys, that’s good u have a preference. I I would shave my little hair thing like my photo but it’s my character thing. I’m trust worthy, just never get what’s deserved back to me. I’m the nice guy that everyone likes, just as friends. I don’t get chances to prove I’m wonderful”

Cut off.
First off, it clearly says on my page, NUMEROUS times, that I have an affinity for beards. Second, if I told you I didn’t trust goatees, why would you then say it’s a part of your “character thing”. THIRD, don’t try to justify yourself to me already. That just makes me want to talk to you less. And fourth! Did you even GO to your high school English classes?

The third message was actually mildly interesting and well-written, but he seems to be falling under the ”write everything about everthing so that it seems like you’re the ideal guy” category. Apparently he loves to do just about everything (”spending the night at home with my family, preparing dinner and having fun” blah), but also thinks extremely highly of himself and based on how he answered some questions, may not be that nice to women.

I can’t do arrogance, but I’m playing the game and talking to him anyway.

I should also mention that none of these men are what I’d consider physically attractive.

OKcupid has this weird feature where you can see who’s visited your profile. You can turn it off but then you can’t see your visitors anymore. This feature makes me hesitant to even look at anyone’s profile, I think I’ve viewed six since I started my account. I however, like seeing who’s viewed mine, the demographic is well…interesting. After answering a buttload of match questions, I’m pretty sure I weeded out about every single local male on the website, so they’ve resorted to matching me with women as well.

I can’t help it if I’m picky.

So far I’ve found that most pictures are fair representations of the guys who post them. Again I haven’t looked at a lot, but even the profile pictures seem to be normal enough. What I have found though, as I mentioned about the third message guy, is that these dudes are just all too eager to be nice or desirable! I’ve traveled here, I enjoy good wine, I think people are unique and interesting and I want to meet you ALL!
Shutthefuckup.

One profile even says, “I’m really good at tossing together a good somethingorother at the last minute.”

…?

I’m trying to get over the attitude I have with this whole experience, but it’s hard when I know why I’m doing it. This also makes me hesitant to initiate contact with anyone. I know I have no intentions of getting anywhere as far as dates go, so I feel like I’m just being a misleading jerk if I try to talk to someone.
Luckily, the only person I’ve seen on here that I know is one of my students from my Silkscreen class. I called him out on it and asked why he put his body type as muscular when he weighs about 120 pounds (skinny little hipster kid, his thigh is about the size of my bicep) and can’t pull a good print to save his life, which any jacked man would be capable of.
So that is a plus, I haven’t had to deal with the fear of impending awkwardness of seeing someone from the site out at Snugs. Yet.

Some of my friends have told me that I really should go on at least one date to get the full experience. Given my experiences so far, I think it’s safe to say that won’t happen. Not because I refuse, but because no one who I would want to even think about going on a date with has been presented to me.
Either way, we will carry on for another three weeks.

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Feng Shui Your Bedroom!

28 Oct

About three months ago I moved into a new apartment. I was faced with the dilemma of how to arrange my sort-of small room with the massive amounts of shit I own, and work around the fact that I don’t have a closet and that there are two doors to my bedroom. Eventually I figured it out to some degree, and things were working well, but something just didn’t feel right.

I shuffled some things around, stubbed a few toes, got yelled at by the old man downstairs for dropping things too much, and then I gave up. Then I thought, what’s the deal with this feng shui business? Is it real? How do I do it? What makes a room feng shui? So off to Google I went, and here’s what I found. There were about 9 million sites, some intersected, others were the complete opposite of each other, it turned into a bit of a headache, but I settled on what sounded the most reputable and also what I gathered from each site to be the majority consensus on what is proper feng shui technique.

This is a map of a successfully feng shui-ed room. Basically you divide your room, whatever it may be, into nine equal quadrants and each quadrant represents a different aspect, illustrated above. Along with each aspect are coordinating colors that you should try to have in each section. Wherever the door to your room is would be considered the ”front”.

Here’s a list of example items you’d want for each section:
Knowledge: Bookcase, books, tools for self-development.
Career: Mirrors or water-related items. Images to support your career goals.
Helpful People/Travel: Pictures of your helpers.
Family/Health: Family photos, heirlooms, plants.
Creativity/Children: Art supplies, artwork, computer.
Wealth: Money, jewelry, fish, fountains, anything red, purple or gold.
Fame/Reputation: Candles, awards, plants, anything red, orange or purple.
Relationships/Romance: Round or oval mirrors, anything pink, pictures of loved ones, paired objects (like two candlesticks or two crystals).
Now here’s where things get tricky.

One of the biggest rules concerns the bed. The bed should be in direct sight of the door, but not directly in front of the door. The Chinese call this the death position because when you die, you can simply be carried out the door, nice right? So ideally you want your bed to be on the wall opposite the door, and you should be able to see the door without straining yourself to do so. This is so that you are always aware of who is leaving or entering. Along with bed placement, your bed should be against a solid wall and should have space on either side of it so energy can ‘’flow’’ freely. Ideally it’s good to be symmetrical so that your bed is balanced, i.e. a night stand on either side.

Shall we see this implemented?

When I went to try this I realized my room was about half-way there without me even knowing it. So I did some rearranging of the bookcases and night stands, and here we are.

Let’s start at the front left, Knowledge.

As you can clearly see, we’ve got a bookcase, some records, and as for tools for ”self-cultivation”, my singing Michael Jackson Christmas ornament is on my corkboard, along with a nicely illustrated image of beards that my old roommate drew for me. All of the items here just happen to be the appropriate colors, this is also where I stash my obnoxiously large scarf collection.

Onto Career:

I don’t have room for much in this section, but on the wall I have a collection of show cards from past BFA/MFA Thesis shows, so I guess that’s relevant. The walls in my apartment are plaster so every day I get to play this fun game where I see how many times I’ll have to re-stick each card. You’d think they’d make a plaster-friendly sticky tack. Nope.

Helpful People & Travel

It’s a little boring, but I’ve got some pictures of family and friends, and also all of the business cards I’ve collected. That large cat birthday card meows happy birthday when you pull on its chin. Many thanks to my lovely sister for that one…

Health & Family

My closet. Symbolic? Perhaps. But there’s no where else in the room that I could put it.

Now we’d be at the center, which should remain as open as possible. Onto Children/Creativity.

Aside from how stupid it is for me to still have a window fan, we’ve got some artwork, a framed picture of Kevin Arnold, a cat sculpture from Kenya, and this is mostly where my computer lives. Along with my dinner, tonight it was home fries (yum). I like the idea that my creative section is also where my window is. See ya later, didn’t need you anyways.

Wealth!

My dirty laundry. Upon further review, my layout may need some work.

Anyway, the show must go on. Now we’re onto Fame & Reputation.

This may be the most successful quadrant of my room aside from the Knowledge one. Check out all the goods! MJ Bobblehead, peacock feathers I stole from my step-brother’s wedding, mad candles. My bed also sneaks into this section a little it.

Finally, Relationships/Romance.

Also lacking a bit. Fitting. I used to have a fancy rhinestone mirror over there but I kept knocking it down so I decided to forego all romantic prospects to avoid seven years of bad luck. Also notice the plaster issue again, those damn photos will not stay up no matter what I do.

So that’s that, here’s a final shot at the entrance to my sort of feng shui room.

I’d also like to add that I didn’t have to do once ounce of cleaning before taking these photos.

Anyway, was that helpful? Do you care? I don’t know, but I spent like a week figuring this crap out so I figured I might as well share it. And I will say that I do feel very comfortable and peaceful in this room. After a day/night of dealing with morons or being wasted, it’s nice to come back to a cozy little abode and pass out. It’s hard to navigate certain necessities like a dresser or a closet, but I think as long as you’re associating things in your mind with what they should represent, it all works out. Or something.

It’s all about energy, man.

This may have been a bad thing for me to do because I already had a hard enough time getting out of bed in the morning. Now that my room is so nice it’s damn near impossible for me to get up. I’m pretty sure I drive my roommate crazy because I’m a serial snoozer and I deliberately set my alarm at least 30 minutes early so I can have the satisfaction of hitting that button every ten minutes.

Oh well, at least there’s harmony up in here.

 

Beard of the Week October 27

27 Oct

This is a special Beard of the Week! It’s 2 AM, but as I drunkenly stumbled into my room from the bar I saw a package on my bed which was awesome because it means I got my new computer power adapter three days earlier than expected! So I needed to do SOMETHING moderately relevant with my computer to celebrate.

I’ve decided that the best way to honor beards Continue reading →

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A (Potential) Female Hipster’s Guide to Online Dating

26 Oct

So with Evan’s post as a catalyst, it was suggested that I, as a female who has never done this, should do an experiment with online dating to see how women are approached/treated/etc.

The first thing I foresaw was some stupid Matthew McConaughey movie situation where the sassy female lead is doing a study to screw with dudes and suddenly she falls in love with one of her victims. Yes I’ve seen How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days more times than I’d like to admit, but Continue reading →

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Tales of a (sort of) Biker

20 Oct

Biking may be one of the best things ever in a small town, like New Paltz for instance. You can obviously get somewhere faster than walking, and with the stupid amounts of traffic there are in this town, you can probably get most places faster than a car would as well. I however, have a few grievances:

1). Who decided to put campus on top of a giant fricken’ hill?! I mean, I know we live at the bottom of a mountain range and it can only be expected that there are a few hills in town, but literally from almost any point (unless you’re one of the lucky souls who gets to live a block from the college), you’re basically scaling Everest to get to campus. This is bad enough when you’re walking, but when I’m trying to haul my ass up to class on a bike at 10 AM after only being awake for fifteen minutes, it’s damn near impossible. Not only is my body simply not spry enough to expend such energy after fighting with my snooze button for an hour, but if it’s warmer than 65 degrees? Forget it! Now on top of panting as you walk into your class, you’re panting AND covered in massive amounts of sweat! It’s just a big cruel joke that the designers of this university decided to play on decades of students to come.

2). Once you’ve managed to reach the top of the hill, quads burning, heart pounding, there are a two options you have. One, you can go around the back way behind the library and face your probable demise by cars backing out of or pulling into parking places, going the wrong way down one-way lanes, or by the driver simply being too preoccupied with finding a song on his/her iPod to notice you appropriately signaling your directional, only to honk and scream at you for getting in their way. Or you can go down the main concourse by the Humanities building and run the risk of running over/into about two hundred pedestrians. Not to mention the entire campus has a staircase about every 100 feet. Dear SUNY New Paltz, INSTALL A BIKE LANE. Which brings me to my next point:

3.) I don’t have a car, so my only way to get to my two jobs, one of which is a mile away on a flat (thank god) flood plain outside of town, the other of which is three miles outside of town and all uphill one way, is to either bike, walk, or take a cab. The latter job is a safe enough ride, I can take the Rail Trail out and not have to worry about cars speeding by me at 55 mph (though now I’ve gotten too lazy so I just call a cab to bring me out there once a week). My job at the farm, however, is a different story. The farm is located en route to some of New Paltz’s most popular attractions: Mohonk Mountain House and Minnewaska State Park. This means that the one road that leads to these places is usually riddled with rude Escalade-driving assholes from the city doing 20 miles over the speed limit because they’re not used to the freedom of not having a traffic light every 250 feet. Throw in the distraction of being fascinated by how beautiful the changing leaves are and you have a potential disaster on your hands. The paved shoulder on this road is about one foot wide, though there are a pleasant extra two feet of unpaved shoulder which are riddled with potholes, large chunks of broken asphalt, road kill, and whatever else you may happen to stumble. Not to mention it’s a 2 inch drop from the paved to the unpaved part of the shoulder. Do I need to explain the potential dangers here? And people bike on this road every day, usually they’re a bit more fit and their gear is a bit fancier than my stylin’ purple Huffy Road Master that I inherited from my mother, but the necessity for a safe bike lane is still applicable.

4). This is more of a personal bike thing, but I don’t understand how people can ride road bikes. You know, the ones with the nice lean frames and the fancy curved handle bars. I have a hard enough time getting on and off my mountain bike crossover, I’ve easily bit it at least three times while trying to dismount in public since August, sober might I add (Now would be a good time to mention the not-so-sober times I’ve ridden my bike. Riding isn’t the problem, getting off is, and on more than one occasion it has landed me on top of an overturned stack of bikes and a pedal-shaped bruise on my ass). Yesterday I tried to get on my friend Andrew’s bike and the bar alone was higher than my waist!  After failing to throw my leg over the frame, he made it look easy by pulling some ballet-esque sort of maneuver by standing on the pedal and swinging his other leg over while the bike was already moving. He asked if I wanted to try it and all I could foresee was a miserable failure: a huge wipeout and the inevitable bruises and scrapes that I would have to explain to people the next day. The evidence of me walking into parking meters on the way home or spraining my ankle(s) regularly (earning me the nickname Sparena) after a night at the bar are enough; I try my best to not get injured when I’m sober.

5). Channel Seinfeld for a moment: What’s the deal with bike seats?! The first bike I had at college had an amazing wide-load (lord knows I need it) seat with gel cushioning that my father gave to me. It was like riding on a cloud! Then, that bike died a miserable death. When all was said and done the gears wouldn’t shift, then handlebars had completely fallen off, the rear brakes were permanently engaged, the front tire rim was bent, and the last time I saw it, it was still locked up to a light post outside of Deyo hall under three feet of snow in March. I only went to salvage the bike lock that was on it; in hindsight I should have stripped that dream of a seat as well before I left the poor bike for dead. This past summer when my mother gave me hers, I sat on it for the first time in nothing but a cotton dress. I immediately noticed that it felt like putting all of my body weight onto my vagina, which was resting on a 2 inch wide metal pole.  Go over a bump on the Rail Trail? Lord help us. They don’t even TRY to make these seats out of comfortable material. What gives?! Would it be so hard to pick a substance that doesn’t feel like granite being shoved up between your legs? I appreciate what I have down there far too much to abuse it like that. Luckily, gel seat covers aren’t that expensive. I can’t imagine how men handle this, at least my organs are internal.

So what then, you may ask, could I possibly like about biking? The answer is simple, the ride home of course! Yes, it’s a strain to motivate myself to ride up to campus every morning, but the reward far outweighs the punishment. After being on my feet for roughly ten hours all day in the studio, the least appealing thing in the world to me is the 15 minute walk home in my shoes that are generally unsupportive. Instead, I hop on my bike and since the entire ride is downhill, I can make it home in about three minutes. Talk about convenient. I wish I could have a bike at the top of every hill I have to walk down in this stupid town.

We’re also well into October at this point, my favorite time of year, and there’s something to be said about a night-time bike ride in the fall, so get on your bikes and go see what I’m talkin’ about before it gets too cold! Just stay off the damn hills if you know what’s good for you.

 

Beard of the Week October 20

20 Oct

It’s that time of the week again! A time when I pick one special beard to honor for an entire seven days, though they probably deserve more.

This week we’re again looking to the past to one man who’s done everything from movies to salad dressing, Mr. Paul Newman (1/26/1925-9/26/2008).

What. A. Hunk.

The tux gets me every time, but come on, we all know it wouldn’t be as fantastic if he was clean-shaven. And even though he didn’t always have a beard, it doesn’t matter because when he does it just looks so good that it makes up for all of his hairless moments.

Because it’s just so nice, here’s another one for kicks:

He had style, he had charisma, he had talent, he was an Aquarius, he donated a buttload of money to charity, and his company still distributes a mean mango salsa (peach and pineapple are also really nice), but one thing will always stand out, and I think we all know what that is.

Rest In Peace, Paul. You may be gone, but your beard will live forever in my heart.

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The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures

16 Oct

by Dossie Easton, Janet W. Hardy (2009)

“For anyone who has ever dreamed of love, sex, and companionship beyond the limits of traditional monogamy, this groundbreaking guide navigates the infinite possibilities that open relationships can offer. Experienced ethical sluts Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy dispel myths and cover all the skills necessary to maintain a successful and responsible polyamorous lifestyle–from self-reflection and honest communication to practicing safe sex and raising a family. Individuals and their partners will learn how to discuss and honor boundaries, resolve conflicts, and to define relationships on their own terms. “

Sounds nice, right? Continue reading →

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Artist Rant No. 1

14 Oct

Let’s talk about art. Nay, let’s talk about “cute” art. As an artist and Master of Fine Art candidate, I’d like to think I  have some sort of idea of what art is. It’s easy enough to say, “It’s art because I say it’s art.” Marcel Duchamp loved that shit, and I don’t necessarily disagree with that sentiment. I do however disagree with so-called “artists” wasting my time not only visually, but in my studio, right in front of my face, with their cutesy images of owls and bunnies frolicking through the woods, increasing  my lab fees because of how much ink they waste on a stupid print of a butterfly. To me it’s the equivalent of taking a digital photo of your pet and calling it a photograph, or a photo of you and your boyfriend snowboarding and turning it into a print and showing it at a critique (yes, this happens more than I’d like to admit).

Let me first make it clear that I am totally aware of how inadequate I am as an artist; in fact, I remind myself of it daily. I am certainly in no position to say another person’s work is garbage, unless it just so blatantly horrible that I’m forced to be an asshole about it.  And here we are.

It’s obvious that I’m referring to specific people when I write this, but I’m also addressing a larger issue here. It’s safe to say that there’s a very large community of people, whom I will not label here (but you know who they are) that eat this kind of imagery up like it’s a Thanksgiving Day feast. It’s not that the visual aspects of this type of work are terrible; in fact, sometimes they’re pretty nice. As a slave for anything cute, mainly felines, I find myself torn (which thus pisses me off even more) between actually buying into this garbage and having to consistently remind myself that there’s nothing behind it: no substance, no context. A “dead behind the eyes” sort of piece. And how do I know this? Well, because the artists have told me so themselves.

There are graphic artists (I only use that term because that’s usually what this sort of stuff gets thrown in with, or illustrative art) that are crazy talented. They can draw, they understand composition, craftsmanship, and most importantly, color and technical refinement within a selected medium. People who have a strong and apparent understanding of these elements are people I can respect to some degree, but when you’re taking JPEGs from Google image search and filtering them in Photoshop and then coloring them in like a coloring book, I can’t respect you.

Let’s talk printmaking, specifically silkscreen, for a minute. There is a huge difference between creating a graphic image that is, say, 12 colors (thus 12 separate layers, or more) that are perfectly registered (lined up), and is in a perfect edition of more than six compared to a one or two layer print that you can’t possibly screw up because there’s nothing to it and it took you three hours to make. And especially when you have nothing to back up your work! No explanation, no concept, no narrative that follows it, no inspiration other than that you’re maybe kind of dorky and like to wear flowers in your hair.

Can you see the difference?

And just for some context, that first work is a piece by Camille Rose Garcia, considered a modern pop-surrealist, and “Her paintings of creepy cartoon children living in wasteland fairy tales are critical commentaries on the failures of capitalist utopias. Creative influences include Phillip K. Dick, William Burroughs, Henry Darger,Walt Disney, as welll as politically aware bands like The Clash and Dead Kennedys. Her recent solo show, Ultraviolenceland, explored ideas of violence and empire.” (taken from the artist’s website) See?! Concept! Context! Inspirations!

How do you think it feels to be struggling every single day to figure out not only how to translate your ideas into a visual language, but come up with an adequate idea in the first place, and then have some cutesy chick in a floral dress say, “I don’t know, I just like looking at things so I make them. I don’t really think about anything when I work. I don’t have any conceptual ideas.”

How does that feel, Marena? Well, I would equate it to something like this:

The only comfort I can take in the hype that is given to this sort of work is that only one demographic is buying into it on a serious level, and they’re usually of the same idiotic mindset as the people who are creating it. As long as they keep to themselves I’ll be happy.

Write a book about a bunny, illustrate it, and then maybe I’ll give you the time of day. Art should not only be about skill, but about evoking emotions in both the viewer and the creator. If the best your work can do is make someone go, “OH MY GOD, AWWW”, then get out of my face.

Finally, here you will see my point illustrated perfectly.

And now I will shamelessly plug my website where you will find nothing of the above: marenamitchellart.tumblr.com

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Beard of the Week October 13, 2011

13 Oct

Beards! I appreciate them so much that I’ve decided to appreciate one special beard each week here in the Fashion section. Celebrities, pals, dads, brothers, you name it, they could potentially be the next beard of the week!

First up?

Constantin Brancusi

Famed sculptor from the early 20th century, this Romanian lug has quite the beard, which I was first exposed to today during my art history class.

Yes, his contributions and advancements in three-dimensional work shaped art for years to come, but let’s not overlook this man’s most important contribution to the world, that lovely facial hair.

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