To usher in the Christmas spirit (not to alienate non-Christians, but I’ve been saying “Happy Holidays” all goddam week to avoid stepping on anyone’s toes) I decided it might be fun to do an article on Christmas ornaments.
Each and every year, at least since I’ve been able to stand up, decorating the Christmas tree has been a family affair. Once the tree sets, the lights go up. Then my little sister and I would set all the ornaments out on the floor and have an informal draft. These drafts could get heated because my sister and I both love really stupid looking things. Over the years, the draft became a keeper league, and I have built up quite a roster: The X-Mas Whack Pack.
We’ll go one by one…
“Freezin” Snow Frazier. To my knowledge, he is the only snowman that is an amateur boxer. He usually only fights between November and February depending on the weather. Some claim that his gloves are weighted, but I think that’s just the weight of ice and snow. Don’t let his pink smile and baby blues fool you. This guy’s got a mean right cross.
Archangel Gary. He may be the most pissed off caroler in Christmas history. He either doesn’t like what he’s singing, or the combination of heat-stroke and a herniated disc (his head has been glued back on crooked) have caused him to have a permanent chip on his shoulder. Oh, and that’s not a shark fin on his back. It’s one of two razor sharp wings.
The Driver. Needless to say, he doesn’t do much driving anymore. He’s got a broken headlight and his front right wheel is missing. He is in a perpetual state of panic (arms out) I’m guessing because he doesn’t have AAA. Does anybody have a small wooden jack?
Cymbal. I just feel bad for this guy. The expression on his face says it all. Years ago he had two cymbals to chime happily. Now he’s forced to clap a cymbal with his left hand. He’s considered switching to playing the gong, but that would mean quitting Christmas altogether and celebrating the Chinese New Year instead.
Finally, the Medic. He is always placed near the top of the tree in case any punk tries to shank the Santa Claus ornament. His non-corrective lens are extremely fashionable and it wouldn’t surprise me if I start to see people wearing them down in NYC. You’re probably wondering two things: 1) Who taped his mouth shut? It’s not tape, it’s a sweet off-axis mustache. And 2) Why is he called the medic? For years I thought he was carrying a med kit, not a present. Idiot.
The X-Mas Whack Pack used to have other members, but due to differences of opinion, kidnapping trees and family tramplings, this is the pack as it stands (some of them barely) today. It’s just as well because for the past two years, our family has had a 3-foot fake tree. There’s can only be so many badasses for so much turf.
Tree decorating is part of what make Christmas fun even as you grow up. Ornaments are special little knick-knacks that you see only once a year. I encourage all of you to post pictures of some of your favorite ornaments.
Merry Christmas!
the self-hating hipster 
Leave a Reply