Phantom Beard

27 Oct

I feel even worse posting this after Marena’s 3rd installment of beardophilia, but two days ago, I shaved off my beard for the first time in over a year for Halloween.  I feel absolutely naked.  Strange breezes are chilling my cheeks when I’m outside.  People ask for my identification more often.  I can’t save snacks for later in my mustache.

I am also experiencing what I will call “Phantom Beard Syndrome.”  PBS is very similar to the phenonmenon of phantom limbs.  For example, an amputee sometimes experiences severe pain in the big toe of a foot that was amputated years ago.  I on the other hand will go to cup my chin in my hands and slip without the half-inch buffer of beard, or attempt to twist my mustache in deep though only to graze my knuckles on stubble.  The pain I’m suffering is not physical pain (aside from the razor burn on my neck).  No, my phantom beard is causing mental anguish.

My beard has gone through many different stages over the years.


A few days of growth has done nothing for my spirits.  Some people have actually complimented me saying that I look better without the beard.  Those people are idiots.

The one consolation is that beards do grow back.  If anybody knows of any beard steroids, please drop me a line.  Until then, I will just hope and wait; and when my beard does finally return, I will welcome him back with dimpled cheeks.

One Response to “Phantom Beard”

  1. Matias Julio December 16, 2014 at 8:51 pm #

    Man you look so much like my

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