You Can Have New Jersey, Bruce. We Want America Back.

1 Jul

Over the past four decades Bruce Springsteen has become synonymous with “America.”  And that is bullshit.  He is the single most over-rated member of pop/rock royalty.  As we approach the 4th of July, the celebration of America’s independence, let us review some reasons why Bruce Springsteen is not only unfit to be an American archetype, but also why we as a nation should celebrate our independence from him.

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Fans or Listeners

There are three types of Bruce Springsteen listeners: lovers, haters and tolerators.  In reverse…

Tolerators give him a bit of credit for Nebraska, but discredit the remainder of his unfortunately extensive catalog.

Haters hate Bruce Springsteen plain and simple.  As far as they are concerned he has done absolutely nothing of musical value in his entire career.  His music in some of the most severe Hater cases may trigger rage, vomit or both.

Lovers are the rabid fanbase that Springsteen has amassed over his inexplicably long career.  When Bruce, or “The Boss,” rolls into town once every couple of years for a show, these are the jerkoffs that pay through their noses for tickets and dust off their denim jackets.  They typically listen exclusively to classic rock or easy listening radio stations and have a penchant for drinking the lightest of beers.  They also, for some odd reason, cannot fathom anybody disliking Springsteen’s music and preach about his supposed greatness given any opportunity.  In short, an extremely annoying people.

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The Gimmick

Apparently Springsteen acquired his nickname “The Boss” because he would collect the money from bar owners after shows for his bandmates in the late 60s.  He also, apparently, doesn’t like the nickname because of its authoritative connotation.  Then denounce it, you asshole and go by something more appropriate like “The Tool.”  Springsteen has tried to make an image for himself (or rather imagine himself) as the American “working class hero” and yet he goes by “The Boss.”  That is the definition of hypocrisy.

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The Look

This picture screams punchface.  First of all: bandana.  Unless you’ve been a secret, white Bloods member all these years ditch that ridiculous thing.  And Springsteen must have stock in Levi Strauss; in his heyday The Boss donned more denim than any Canadian could handle in a single outfit.  Combine that with wife-beaters or sleeveless tees and need it be said…an earring.  It get’s worse.  In recent years he’s been sporting a soul patch, the filthiest of all facial hair trimmings.  This is the face of America??

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The Glory Days

Are long gone is the end of that sentence.  With the exception of We Shall Overcome: The Seeger Sessions (to be revisited in about five seconds) Bruce Springsteen hasn’t had a critically acclaimed album, like him or not, since 1987’s Tunnel of Love.  In 2006, Springsteen released a two-disc compilation of Pete Seeger covers called We Shall Overcome to positive reviews.  There is no problem with covers and/or paying homage to a major influence, but revamping 30+ of another man’s songs is both excessive and goes to show an obvious lack of original material.

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The E Street Band

Springsteen’s most famous E Street Band-mate is drummer “Mighty” Max Weinberg.  He made a name for himself with The Max Weinberg Seven, Conan O’Brien’s late night show band.  He is also supposed to be Conan’s comic foil. Perhaps that’s why Conan seems so funny.

There is no way of knowing if Bruce endorsed his late saxophonist Clarence Clemons’ collaboration with Lady Gaga on “The Edge of Glory,” but he is being held ultimately responsible.

Guitarist Steven Van Zandt played Silvio Dante on The Sopranos and manages to look like more of an asshole in real life versus his mobster persona.

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The Singles

Three singles in particular are fitting for the holiday and you’ll be lucky if you hear only two this 4th: “4th of July, Asbury Park (Sandy),” “Independence Day” and “Born in the U.S.A.”

Springsteen singles are textbook pukebox.  If you’re at a bar and want to make fast friends with a gang of drunken karaoke-deprived morons, throw on some Springsteen.  “Glory Days.”  Guh.  “Born to Run.”  Worse…they’ll be belting it out.  Just plain awful…“Dancing in the Dark.”

“I get up in the evenin’, and I ain’t got nothin’ to say.”  Then don’t say anything let alone sing!  “Man, I’m just tired and bored with myself.”  You think you are, Bruce?!  Oh, and did you notice the pre-pubescent boyish Courteney Cox?  Maybe you didn’t make it that far…

In the early 90s, Springsteen recorded “Streets of Philadelphia” for the film Philadelphia and somehow managed to win the Academy Award for Best Original Song that year.  1994 must have been an awful year for OSTs.

Even Tom Hanks looks upset in this music video (it’s unclear if it’s Springsteen or AIDS).  Fittingly, Springsteen spends the last ten seconds as a bum.

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New Jersey

Finally, Bruce Springsteen hails from New Jersey.  If there is one state that the U.S. would be happy to celebrate its independence from, it would be the Garden State.  Home of the pork roll, the medical waste beach and Jon Bon Jovi, not to mention the 1950s fallout trash of Atlantic City, the sex offender commune Jersey City and Newark, one of the most dangerous cities in America.

Aside:  I have more than a few friends from NJ whom I love very much.  I’m very sorry that your state sucks.

Bruce Springsteen is New Jersey’s pride and joy.  His first album is titled Greetings From Asbury Park, N.J.  Well, so long from America, Bruce.  Go home.

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What makes matters worse is that the 4th of July happens to be my birthday.  I hope you all enjoy your [my] holiday!

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One Response to “You Can Have New Jersey, Bruce. We Want America Back.”

  1. meaghere July 2, 2012 at 7:17 pm #

    Great! Now I have “Dancing in the Dark” stuck in my head.

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