I Probably Don’t Like You.

4 Jan

I was going to write an article about my favorite things about 2011, but then I realized I am not in fact Oprah, and no one probably cares about what my favorite things are.

I have decided to write about something else though, something that has been coming up more in recent months than it ever has before. Apparently people are often confused about my feelings for them? Now, with a little alcohol I’m pretty much an open book about any of my thoughts, but honestly, I’ve always considered myself pretty friendly and usually approachable. I do tend to wear my feelings on my face, I’ve never felt the need to hide how I feel about anyone, so unless I’m telling you that I hate you and never want to speak to you again (without a smile on my face, context people), it’s probably pretty safe to say that I do like you, simply don’t know you enough, or I think that you hate me.

But, just in case, here is a list I’ve compiled of ways to read how Marena feels about you (this applies to both platonic and non-platonic situations):

If you have a beard, I’ll like you at first.
If you have a beard it’s more than likely that I will at least give you a shot. First impressions count and the best one you could make on me is having facial hair. Of course there are beards in my history that have fucked up, so don’t count on riding on the tails of your beard for a long period of time.
If I’m drunk and I tell you I like/love/admire/etc you, I probably like you.
The phrase goes, “Drunken mind speaks sober heart”, or something. When I’m sober I won’t usually make grandiose displays of affection, but give me a glass a whiskey and chances are you’ll know just how important you are to me in little to no time. This is also when I started finding out that people thought I hated them, when I drunkenly went up to them and said something along the lines of, “I’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE FRIENDS WITH YOU, YOU’RE SO COOL.” Or sometimes a simple, “I LOVE YOU” does the trick too. On the other hand, if I’m drunk and I tell you I want nothing to do with you, that’s always 100 percent accurate.
If I’m sober and I ignore you, I probably like you.
Despite my outgoing nature with people I know, if I don’t know you that well, I’ll probably just ignore you because in my mind, if you want to talk to me, you will. Now when two people think that about each other it usually just ends up as a moot point. This is why my love life is virtually non-existent. There is a difference between being shy and being stupid, and unfortunately I have tendencies to be both of those things.
If I clean you/for you, I probably like you.
Buttoning your shirt, straightening your hair, doing your dishes, organizing your coffee table. It’s the Virgo in me, what can I say? If I care about how you look I care about you.
If I buy you food or a drink, I probably like you.
Two things I covet more than beards, food and alcohol. So, if I’m willing to share either of those things with you, I definitely like you. However, don’t count on me liking you just because you buy me a drink. I get really uncomfortable when dudes, even people I know, try to buy me drinks because of what most people think that entails, and even when acquaintances say there’s “no pressure”, when I smile, say thanks, and walk away, I’m still the bad guy somehow. Chances are I won’t like you any more if you buy me a drink, so think of some other way to talk to me.
If I sleep with you, I might like you.
But it’s not guaranteed.
If you buy me beef jerky, I’ll like you for a night.
My new thing, and it’s worked a handful of times, is to get people to buy me jerky instead of drinks. I’m a certified beef jerky addict, and if you soothe my craving for an hour, I’ll probably at least honor you a decent conversation. Just make sure it’s not the Matador brand.
If I tell you when you’re being an asshole, I probably like you.
There’s a bit of a grey area here, if someone is an asshole to me I’ll give it right back to him/her, but if I do care about you, I’ll also tell you when you’re being a schmuck. I guess this is where context becomes important. If I care about you then I’ll care about you enough to be honest with you, and that comes more into play once I’m closer to a pal, but it’s still important!
If you’re outwardly misogynistic/homophobic/racist/generally close-minded, I definitely don’t like you.
One thing irritates me more than anything and that’s people who just suck. I don’t need to go into how awful it is to be any of the above mentioned things, but when people are proud of being so, I’ll probably tell you’re a douchebag and argue about it with you until the proverbial cows come home.

So that’s that; there are a few other things that unflinchingly adore/worship, like Roseanne, cheese, feminists, Ryan Gosling, and Michael Jackson. Tell me one joke about how Michael Jackson is a child molester and you’re definitely going to be cut off.

I can get along with all sorts of people, but there are some things that just speak to a person’s character.