Skinny Jeans

29 Aug

What is the hipster fascination with skinny jeans?  It baffles me.  And the worst part is, most of my jeans are skinny jeans.  They leave little to the imagination, yet seem to have nothing to do with phallic exhibitionism.  If anything, my jeans just tip women off immediately that my ass is like a shelving rock.

We’ve reached a point in hipster fashion where skinny jeans just aren’t skinny enough.  First we had slim fit.  Then slim fit, straight leg.  Then slim fit, low waist, tapered pant.  Hipster girls already made the transition to tights (and really, what’s better than a cute little hipster girl in black tights?)

What now for the modern hipster?  Denim plastic wrap?  There is the problem of circulation to consider.  We wouldn’t want hipsters walking around with purple, swollen feet…unless it went with their thong sandals.

Perhaps  a two-part pair of pants; a front and a back that snap together like a tight, denim version of those tear-away gym pants.  There is also praticality to think of.  Sometimes it takes me a good five minutes to wriggle out of my tightest pair.  Maybe a pair of jeans that can dissolve in the shower.  Or disposable daily jeans that can be cut-off and thrown away like contact lenses.

And what hipster asshole decided that button flies would be a good idea?  Since the button fly, the number of times I’ve nearly wet myself in bar bathrooms has quadrupled.


2 Responses to “Skinny Jeans”

  1. Liz Phair August 30, 2011 at 3:22 pm #

    Is it really true that you’ve been binding your feet?

  2. Radioheadfreak February 28, 2013 at 11:18 pm #

    All my jeans are skinny . I am not comfortable unless my trousers are skin tight and I can’t breathe .

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