I know that it’s belated, but I did want to wish you readers a happy St. Patrick’s Day!

I don’t have anything against the holiday per se.  I very much enjoy pounding corned beef and cabbage.  I love spending time with family.  My paternal grandmother’s birthday often times fell on St. Patrick’s Day.  BUT, I had the great displeasure of spending this past St. Patrick’s Day weekend in New York City…in Murray Hill of all places.

Fellow hipster Eamonn weighed in last year (I Don’t Like St. Patrick’s Day) on the skewed message and overall annoyance surrounding the holiday, and although he did have James Joyce and Thin Lizzy in the same sentence I cannot say that I disagree with his argument.  The holiday has become a mockery of itself, particularly in areas populated by college students.

Two years ago off-campus students of the State University of New York at Albany were arrested for vandalism and malicious mischief after a kegs and eggs party went awry.  Cars were destroyed, windows smashed, furniture hurled and one police officer was assaulted because a bunch of 21-year-old bros were crushing lite beer and were belligerently drunk and aggressive by 7:15..in the morning!

The holiday is intended to celebrate Irish heritage, not getting shit-faced in green and acting like shmucks.  Sure, there is a part of me that acknowledges that I’ll never be able to separate the words “Irish” from “whiskey,” but I by no means want to perpetuate a myth that all Irish people are drunks.  The holiday has become a vile cartoon.

Back to Murray Hill.  Murray Hill is the “college town” of Manhattan.  In the late 90s the Midtown neighborhood received a mass exodus of college students.  The population today is still young.  And they love to party.  There are a slew of shitty bars to party in.  Murray Hill is essentially an 8-block radius populated by those kids that you hated in college: sorority girls 4-ever, guys who think that gym shorts are to be worn year-round, too short skirts, fauxhawkers and backward cappers.  My girlfriend lives there too.

We both knew that the Saturday before St. Patrick’s day, the day of the parade, was going to be a shit-show.  Our initial plan was to stay inside all day and pretend that there was a zombie apocalypse going on outside.  Then my girlfriend got a text from a friend whom she hadn’t seen in two years asking if we’d like to meet up for lunch.  We accepted the invitation and met her friend and her boyfriend in Times Square.  The restaurant was so crowded with early afternoon drunks that we were forced to sit on bar stools drinking water behind the couple who ate at the bar.  At one point a girl next to us who donned a plastic green hat and was clearly sloshed screeched “Christa, come do a fuckin’ shot with me!” and flung herself around.  She looked at me and slurred “You’re not Christa!”

“No,” I said.  She looked to my girlfriend.

“You’re not Christa!”  My girlfriend looked at her quizzically.  The girl ran off to find Christa.  It was 1pm.

We left the couple who were off to see a Broadway show around 2 and started walking toward our proper lunch destination.  En route we passed huge groups of under-dressed girls who squawked obnoxiously about things that only they could care about and packs of bros who cackled, shouted threats, blew smoke from barely lit cigarettes and did their best to suppress puking with turtle swallows.  What totally blew me away was how crude some of the shirts that the guys wore were.  It was like Spencer’s Gifts on steroids in green.  I consider my sense of humor to be somewhat dirty, but some of the insensitive and/or completely sexist quips on these shirts had me baffled, particularly if said bro’s modus operandi was to get laid!

There is the classic “Kiss Me I’m Irish” tee that is as innocuous as the “Kiss the Chef” apron.  I only saw two of these this year…

I guarantee that I can outdrink anybody who has bought this next shirt, and although the phrase “One Beer Queer” isn’t PC, it angers me more that I have gay friends who could outdrink and likely beat the everloving shit out of anybody that has bought this shirt.

This next shirt is just strange and I would guess that 1% of the parties that decided to pull this stupid, green piece of shit over their head actually went home with somebody that wasn’t their misguided girlfriend.  That means that 99% of the parties went home with green-balls.  It might as well say “Irish and Lonely.”

This is just wholly inappropriate.  I could only see this being funny if a girl were wearing it.

I saw this tee (in green) and had to laugh at how pathetic the guy who was wearing it looked.  Imagine a pudgy Napolean that was pledging for a fraternity.  As a nation there has been an initiative to “go green” (no pun intended) but I guarantee that this little fellow doesn’t have a carbon footprint because you can’t recycle when you’ve never had anything to recycle.

This is so filthy that I can’t believe it was even printed.  Please notice the font choice for the second word.  The shirt is not remotely humorous.  It’s revolting.  Why not wear a green shirt that says “Just so you know…I had a lot of asparagus.” instead?

Like cabbage and carrots I boiled the message down and decided that I would make pins and/or stickers to be worn on pants for next St. Patrick’s Day.  I expect to make a mint.

Happy Belated St. Patrick’s Day!

New Year’s Eve is a holiday that disappoints me year after year.  Not unlike Halloween, I get all amped up thinking I’m going to have an awesome time and then something inevitably goes awry.  I spent the majority of NYE 2004 face down on my buddy Scott’s floor after drinking three bottles of Andre Brut and falling off of his couch.  I started crying about some girl whose name I can’t even remember on NYE 2oo6 because I mixed too much whiskey with champagne (and a bit of Bud Heavy).  I spent over an hour consoling a friend over a then recent breakup on NYE 2008, a consolation which he had no recollection of the day after.

NYE 2010 takes the cake, though.  Things sounded promising: pre-gaming at a friend of a friend’s and then taking a party bus (converted CDTA bus lined with lights and open containers are legal) with about thirty people to Saratoga to hit the bars.  There was to be plenty of drinking and merriment, no driving and I was to be dropped off at my front door.  I was half in the bag by the time we hit Saratoga and the first thing my buddy and I did was a shot of Jim Beam.  The large group split up into groups of three and four with the understanding that we would be meeting up at 2AM to catch the bus back home.  Long story short, I ended up separated from the group.  A girl was involved.  She was not very attractive.  I stopped answering phone calls.  I missed the bus and ended up freezing my ass off outside of a bank at 5AM and had to call my father to pick me up.  Happy New Year, asshole!

Last year I decided to keep it simple.  By simple I mean that I got comfortably drunk by myself, worked on my year-end lists for 2011 and turned on the television for twenty seconds at midnight to watch the ball drop.  This year I have decided to follow suit.

The NYE Work Station.

This New Year’s Eve is a little different though in that there is reason to celebrate.  Just days before 2013 the Self-Hating Hipster reached 50,000 views all time!  The SHH has had its ups and downs since its start in August, 2011, but 50,000 views in under a year and a half affirms that it is a blog worth reading.  Thank you very much to all of you who “liked” the blog, re-tweeted a link or mentioned SHH to a friend after reading an article.  You are the folks that I continue to write for!

Happy New Year’s Eve to all of you hipsters out there, self-hating or not!

In honor of the Self Hating Hipster’s first birthday, I asked the SHH himself what the topic of the first style guide in almost a year should be. If you’re not familiar with some of the other ones I’ve written, what I like to do is talk about a style of beer, it’s background, and offer some suggestions to help you navigate the beer store so you don’t have to ask the guy at the counter, who is busy doing scratchers.

My task today is to detail some of the better session beers available to the beer drinking public. What’s a session beer? Beer Advocate tried to answer that very same question, and ultimately ended up with the answer of: “Any beer that contains no higher than 5 percent ABV, featuring a balance between malt and hop characters (ingredients) and, typically, a clean finish – a combination of which creates a beer with high drinkability.”

So there you go, in a nut shell, it’s a beer you can enjoy more of without getting as drunk as you would with stronger beers. Something you can enjoy on a hot day, or perhaps just hanging out at a greyhound track with your uncle and his buddies from Yonkers. Chillin’ beer. With the recent boom in “places where you can try hella kinds of beer,” it’s always better to know what your lower alcohol options are. After all, they all seem to hire bouncers that are in some kind of work release program.

Now, I’m not saying you should go and drink a six pack. I’m just saying if you HAVE to go and drink a six pack, try one of the beers listed below, so you don’t end up drinking f’n Genessee. As a rule of thumb, all beers will have an ABV of five percent or less.

21st Amendment – “Bitter American” (San Fransisco, CA) Alcohol by volume: 4.4%

Starting us off is the canned offering from 21st Amendment, Bitter American. This beer was brewed specifically as a session beer, and one that holds up all afternoon long. More or less an American pale ale, Bitter American turns down the hops that most pales tend towards and embraces the refreshing qualities of a beer brewed light. It’s much darker in complexion than you’d anticipate. I was more prepared for a lager than a smoother pale. Either way, I bought this in Virginia, and of course a week later it was available in New York.

SlyFox Brewing – “O’Reilly’s Stout” (Pottstown, PA) Alcohol by volume: 3.6%

O’Reilly’s Stout is a miniscule 3.6 percent alcohol, which is similar but a bit lower than other dry, Irish stouts such as Guinness (4.3%) or Murphy’s (4%.) Inching even further under the limbo bar, O’Reilly’s has quickly become the go-to session at the local beer bar that offers more than enough stronger options to leave you in a stupor. The thin texture is similar to the other stouts, but still has a touch more roasted flavor. Not as creamy as most people hope, but that’s a good thing in my opinion.

Dixie Brewing Co. – “Dixie Lager” (New Orleans, LA) Alcohol by volume: 4.6%

Here is easily the most polarizing selection I’ll make in this style guide. There is no middle ground, at least in my own experiences, regarding Dixie Lager. On one side of the coin, people like the familiar-yet-slightly-different taste than other American Adjunct Lagers. The other side likens this to pee water, and hates you for drinking it. I’m not nearly that closed-minded and chances are you’ll end up enjoying this beer if you’re just looking to have one while you fish for crawdads or noodle catfish. It also really compliments most spicy Cajun food. Don’t be a jerk, and drink Dixie.

Brasserie Lefebvre – “Blanche de Bruxelles” (Brussels, Belgium) Alcohol by volume: 4.5%

Someone remarked on twitter the other day that Blue Moon is a craft beer for Nazi sympathizers. With all the awesome witbiers and Belgian White-styles out there, can we all agree to stop ordering Blue Moon? If you’re looking for a replacement, go no further than this post. Blanche de Bruxelles is one of the most refreshing, easy-drinking tasty beers I’ve had all summer. They also come in convenient tall-boy cans for hella fast chilling and consuming. It’s brightly colored packaging (seriously, I drank it in a concert venue parking lot swarming with rangers on ATV’s and they all thought it was a soda) will easily convince whatever weird Blue Moon hold out to try it (because if you’re holding out for Blue Moon, you were swayed too easily anyways.)

Switchback Brewing Co. – “Switchback Ale” (Burlington, VT) Alcohol by volume: 5%

Switchback (No, not Switchfoot) clocks in around the higher end for being a session beer, but considering it’s still the same ABV as Budweiser, it’s relatively light. It can be used as a stand-in for a pale ale in black and tan (called a black and Switch) or drank as a refreshing American pale ale with minimal aftertaste. It’s only available on draught, meaning it’s growler fills or pints at the bar to get your Switchback (Protip: If you see something called Switchback Roasted Red, do yourself a favor and get it.)

Smuttynose Brewing – “Star Island Single” (Portsmouth, NH) Alcohol by volume: 4.7%

This one from Smuttynose is stylized as a Belgian pale ale, and is a bit spicier than its American counterparts. If you were doing a flight of SN beer, you’re likely to start right here with Star Island Single. After a lot of heavier, hoppier or simply bigger beers, this one doesn’t taste like much. If you’re starting here though, you’ll be pleasantly surprised at this crisp, dry beer. Also, it is named like a level in Super Mario, which will earn bonus points every time at this blog.

Brouwerjj Van Honsebrouck – “Bacchus” (Belgium) Alcohol by volume: 4.5%

The other night at the afformentioned beer bar, I tried to order a full pint of a different beer. Instead, I got a full pint of this, which is normally about $11 worth of beer (at shitty, beer bar prices.) At 4.5%, this is actually a lot lower than most other beers of it’s style (something called a Flanders Oud Bruin.) It’s very tart, easily the most sour of the session beer guide. This is kind of a great introductory sour for the unacquainted.

New Belgium Brewing Co.  – “Shift” (Fort Collins, CO) Alcohol by volume: 5%

I am always very hesitant to include any beers I personally have not had. That said, since I’ve tried most of the other New Belgium standards, this one remains the most recommended that I have yet to try. Friend of the blog, beer drinkin’ Jan, also recommended it.  I’ve heard it referred to as “what PBR would taste like if New Belgium brewed PBR.” A description like that validates the purchase itself, and I’m hoping to try this when I visit Colorado this fall.

OTHER SESSION BEERS THAT ARE GOOD BUT DON’T GET PARAGRAPHS:

Hey! Have you still not tried enough? Here’s a quick list of other beers under 5% that are worthy of your hard earned beer dollars my friend:

Breckenridge Brewing  – “Agave Wheat” (4.2%)

Dortmunder Actien-Brauerei – “DAB Original” (4.7%)

Dogfish Head Brewing – “Shelter Pale Ale” (5%)

Two Brothers Brewing – “Long Haul Session Ale” (4.2%)

Founders Brewery – “All Day IPA” (4.7%)

So there you go SHH, sorry it took you having to be around for a year for me to write another style guide. Happy birthday, and thank you for providing the launching point for me as a writer. I’m eternally grateful. As for me, I’m off to the Great American Beer Festival in October. From now until then, I’ll be trying to build my tolerance so I’m not obliterated by elevation. As always, if you’re driving, don’t drink and if you did, don’t drive. Cheers!

As some of you may or may not know, my birthday happens to coincide with America’s: the 4th of July.  You may have also noticed that there are longer gaps in between my posts.  I have been working more and writing less.  My apologies.  My sincerest apologies if you look to my website for regular, entertaining material.

America has historically produced the shitties of all vodkas.  Think SKYY, or far worse, Popov.  Russia has tasty potato vodkas like Stolichnaya.  The Brits make Smirnoff and Three Olives from grain.  France and the Netherlands have high-end wheat vodkas like Grey Goose and Ketel One respectively.  The Swedes also have wheat-based vodkas like Absolut and…Svedka.

In attempts to unwind, many nights of late have been destroyed by the most American imported Swedish vodka, Svedka, although I have been known to blame olives, cranberry juice and tonic water.  Undwinding becomes totally unwound.  It takes its toll on both writing and editing; writing proves itself to be garbage and editing does more harm than good.  My standards of practice are sure to improve after my week-long birthday extravaganza comes to an exhausting end.

Svedka’s new co-branded/flagged marketing campaign is ingenious.  I’ve never felt more patriotic drinking an imported liquor.  In birthdays past, I was shotgunning American flag cans of Budweiser.  Now I can leisurely sip a martini or vodka tonic and think to myself: “God dammit, I’m American!”  I simply have to limit the devolution from sipping to guzzling.  And somebody has to keep me away from the olives.

Cheers all!

Rating: A-

Poured from bottle to pint glass.

Opaque, dark chocolate (near black) in color with a thin, khaki head that leaves a caviar-bubbled ring around the perimeter of the glass.  Pleasant coffee/roasted malt aroma.  The taste is sweet and malty, chocolaty, bready, smoky (almost to the point of burnt) and fruity (maybe Raisinettes?).  The syrupy, full body gives way to a slightly bitter finish which warms the palate and balances the beer nicely.  I liked this oatmeal stout more than a few of the local breweries’ oaty offerings (particularly Brown’s Oatmeal Stout) which used to be my standbys for cold weather drinking.  As to be noted with a number of the Southern Tier Imperial Series, a 650ml bomber is best enjoyed split with a buddy.  After the dainty four-oz. tasting, I slammed the rest of it and wondered why 11pm felt like 1am.

230 Ninth Avenue
New York, NY 10001

My ticket to this event was another Valentine’s Day gift to me this year (gurl done good!).  We arrived just as the event was starting at noon.  I didn’t take any pictures because I left my cell phone behind to charge, but to give you an idea of what Co. looks like…

That’s almost the entire restaurant right there with a bit of bench seating along the left wall not pictured.  The event, which ran from noon until 4pm, was extremely crowded at the beginning and so my girlfriend and I posted up on the bench and acted as hybrid consumers/coat-check station.  The pizza and beer was served buffet style: a quesadilla-sized slice and 4 0z. of beer served out of continuously refilled growlers.  The line was 20-people deep for the first half an hour.  I was actually nervous that I wasn’t going to be able to try everything.  Things got better.

Below I have recreated the menu for the Pizza & Beer Pairing with my notes in italics and a brief narrative as an afterward.

1.

Little Bzzz

The style of beer could be categorized as a classic Belgian-style golden ale, but it is made with an appropriate twist.  The Little Bzzz beer is made with a dash of honey, and fermented warm.  The result is a dry, spicy and light ale.  5.4% ABV, 34 IBU

This was the first beer that I tried (we initially planned to move in order…an idea that was jettisoned on our second visit to the sampling table).  Belgians have never been my favorite type of beer.  That being said, the Little Bzzz was actually fairly satisfying.  It was definitely dry and light, but I didn’t pick up as much on the spice as I did on the honey sweetness.

Rating: B

Mushroom & Jalapeno

bechamel, pecorino, gruyere, garlic confit, seasonal mushrooms, shaved jalapeno, fresh dill

As you will begin to see, there is a trend with the pecorino and gruyere.  I had no idea what the hell they were until I googled them.  Pecorino is a cheese made from ewe’s milk.  Gruyere is a hard, yellow Swiss cheese.  I also didn’t know that bechamel is a white sauce used often in French cuisine.  Alright, enough culinary knowledge bombs for one pizza aside…  Frankly, I had a few slices of this pizza and although somewhat enjoyable, most of the slices were populated by 1-2 massive bitter tasting fungi, a sprig of dill and no jalapeno.

Rating: C+

2.

Mad Scientists #8 (Berliner Weiss)

A beer modeled after the traditional tart wheat ale from Berlin, Germany, it pours an opaque golden color with a white head.  The clean, crisp, distinct wheat scent with tangy sweet notes perfectly matches the flavor with a pleasant sourness that is complimented by a “spritzy” carbonation.  3.5% ABV, 4 IBU

This was my least favorite beer at the tasting (and last to sample), though it wasn’t terrible.  The first thought that crossed my mind was “I wonder how many 4 oz. samples it would take to get drunk off of a beer with 3.5% alcohol by volume?”  The Mad Scientists #8 was definitely clean and sour, but the mouthfeel was too watery and the carbonation did not meet my definition of “spritzy.”

Rating: C

Popeye

pecorino, gruyere, mozzarella, spinach, black pepper, garlic

Even though I didn’t personally care for the beer that it was paired with, I though that this was one of the better pairings.  The light, sour beer was well-matched in washing down the white, peppery spinach pizza.  I had a few slices of this one.  Sometimes the spinach was way overboard (it covered the entire pizza) and other times it was right in line.

Rating: B-

3.

Righteous Ale

This beer is a style unto itself.  Its deep-orange color with aromas of citrus hops, malt and spices and flavors of crisp rye, bitter hops and fruit.  6.5% ABV, 58 IBU

This was my favorite beer of the tasting by far.  It was just a delicious and wonderfully balanced beer.  The fruity notes came through strong, but weren’t overpowering.  The finish was indeed crisp and satisfying.  At 6.5%, I probably shouldn’t have made it my after 2pm session beer…

Rating: A

Ham & Cheese

pecorino, gruyere, mozzarella, prosciutto, caraway

My girlfriend thought this pizza was too salty, but her first slice also dragged the prosciutto from two or three neighboring slices along with it.  I have a ridiculous savory tooth and I love white pizza.  The pairing honestly didn’t do a whole lot for the Righteous Ale, but once 3pm hit, I was taking two or three slices of this one at a time versus some of the other options.

Rating: A-

4.

Brownstone

The Brownstone is dark amber in color with a strong nut, malt and bread aroma and flavors of dark malt, hazelnuts and sweet toffee.  Brewed with 11 different malt varieties.  5.8% ABV, 44 IBU

I used to drink a lot of brown ales and the Brownstone makes me want to start again.  It was definitely a shade darker than “dark amber” and stoutier than I’m used to to in a brown ale, but the rest of the description was pretty spot on with the possible exception of the number of malt varieties…my pallet isn’t advanced enough to allow me to count.  But seriously, the Brownstone was very tasty (my girlfriend raved about it and spent the better part of 2pm until after 3 sipping on it).  I’ll definitely seek it out again.

Rating: A

Margherita

tomato, mozzarella, basil, parmesan

If cheese pizza is the most fundamental of all pizzas, a margherita pizza is the next step.  The Margherita was simple and tasty as expected, but it didn’t necessarily compliment the Brownstone.  Maybe Co. was at a loss as far as what type of pizza could be paired with a brown ale?  I’m at a loss myself frankly.  Do any pizzas incorporate gravy?

Rating: B

5.

7th Anniversary Ale

Brewed in celebration of our 7th anniversary, this hybrid between a red ale, Belgian ale and IPA is deep red in color with a thick creamy dark-white, almost vanilla-colored head and strong lacing.  The rich malty scent combines with a slightly sweet and pleasant hop aroma.  The strong hop presence fades out to the estery fruitiness created by a special Belgian yeast.  7.0% ABV, 77 IBU

The 7th Anniversary Ale was another very enjoyable treat.  The venue was encouraging patrons to reuse their glasses for obvious reasons, but the heavy lacing from the Anniversary Ale had me switch at least two glasses.  The aroma was impressive as it offered a balance of sweet, caramel malts and bitter hops.  The taste followed form adding a citrus-y, fruit aspect.  The warmth of the beer (due to ABV) may have been what drove me away from more than a couple samples.  It was the early afternoon for heaven’s sake.

Rating: A-

Meatball

tomato, mozzarella, veal meatballs, caramelized onions, olives, aged pecorino, oregano

If you could catch a hot slice, this was probably the best pizza at the event.  If I have one thing in common with my parent’s dog, it’s the fact that we cannot get enough of veal meatballs.  Calamata olives are another favorite of mine and their severity of flavor either jive or drive a dish off a cliff.  They were a good fit here, though I could have done without the caramelized onions.  Pairing the Meatball with the Anniversary was very pleasant but also felt entirely excessive.  Lesson: enjoy responsibly.

Rating: A-

Some weeks ago I came up with the idea for a quarterly segment (if I can handle it) entitled “Hipster vs. Food.”  This event would have been an ideal warm-up.  I wasn’t a machine at the beer and pizza pairing, but I was also riding my breaks.  After all, I embarrass my girlfriend with some frequency as it is and so I wasn’t anxious to go over the top at an event that she had gifted me an invitation to.

I sampled every beer three times except for the Mad Scientists #8 and then drank the Righteous Ale from 2pm until our departure.  When the crowd started to thin out around 1, the pizzas were coming out faster and those folks that had been there since the beginning were showing signs of the drunchies.  Around 3:30, I joked with one of the servers:

Me:  ”I’ll take another Righteous and a Brownstone [for the lady].”  I grab half of a Ham & Cheese pizza for myself and check for a stray Meatball slice, but it looks cold.

Server (as he pours):  ”You guys are still here, huh?”

Me:  ”Yeah, we can really put it away I guess.”

Server:  ”I think you put away the most here.  Either you or that guy back there in the corner.”

Me:  ”Ha, a challenger?  I don’t think I’m going to make it until 5, though.”

Server:  ”Well, this only goes ’til 4, pal.”

My girlfriend and I finished those beers, had another round with a slice and then I suggested we leave.

Interestingly enough, half of the proceeds from the event went to benefit Edible Schoolyard NYC.  At first, I thought this might be a not-for-profit that builds edible jungle jims for hungry recessers, but it turns out that they encourage young students to learn about making healthier choices by building gardens with them.  The event may have been a slightly ironic venue (at least from my own consumptive standpoint) but I’m glad that the proceeds went to a good place.

Happy 7th Anniversary, Sixpoint!

Somewhere, likely in Missouri, someone decided that Bud Light just wasn’t getting America’s college students and off-duty bus drivers drunk fast enough.  Why sell it in a brown beer bottle, when it can be blue? Let’s pretend there is somehow a premium clientele for our high selling, beer-flavored enhanced water beverage.  The end result, is Bud Light Platinum.

Anheuser-Busch’s newest creation boasts a 6 percent alcohol by volume, (up from 4.2%) and a special blue bottle normally reserved for over priced mineral water sold to women in funny hats at the race courses.  Bud Light Platinum is even stronger than regular old Budweiser (5%.) Something tells me we’ll hear all about it during the Super Bowl broadcast which is routinely dominated by beer/soda/chip companies spending MILLIONS to tell you about new things just like Bud Light Platinum.

So, the big question here is WHY?  Well, one idea is maybe this is some backward ass response to binge drinking in teenagers, where now it would take them roughly 35% less Bud Light to get them to fuck up that sorority’s common room.  Now, I know Bud Light would technically be a step up from most beer you’d find at a frat party, but perhaps now that there’s a higher alcohol alternative, it would be a little easier to get Sigma house to chip in. The rising craft beer market could be another reason.  As more and more people realize THAT THEY DON’T HAVE TO DRINK THIS SHIT AND HAVE SO MANY OTHER OPTIONS, the barely-there flavor Bud Light is offering consumers doesn’t really stand up.

This is not to say that Bud Light Platinum tastes any different than regular Bud Light.  Oh no, they are identical.  Maybe a little more alcohol warmth, but when you have to drink a beer as cold as possible to enjoy it, the difference is negligible.  I am recommending you try this beer, if for no other reason than to say you did.  If nothing else, it’s a pretty bold marketing move for Anheuser-Busch.  Personally, I find the whole concept pretty funny.  If I order a light beer, chances are I’ve already had a few too many of the stronger ones, and don’t want to embarrass myself. Maybe they should re-brand it as “Mistake Fuel.”  In all honesty, I think it’s going to make a lot of money, and it won’t be long until you see versions of Coors Light and Miller Lite in the same idea. $100 says Miller Lite just goes ahead and quadruple hops for the occasion.  That’s all from me, as always imbibe responsibly.  Cheers, everyone.

Walker’s Reserve Porter by Firestone Walker Brewing Company (Paso Robles, CA): From a world champion brewery comes a great example of a traditional American Porter.  It drinks particularly light at just under 6% alcohol by volume.  This has particularly great availability around the country, especially here in New York, (apart from Double Jack.)  Very distinct toffee and caramel flavors, but nothing over the top.

Mocha Porter by Rogue Ales (Newport, OR):  About a year ago, I was in school and waiting tables to make some quick money.  Like most waiting jobs, big tips came from big bills, and big bills usually require lots of alcohol.  For the lady, that could be anything from a $10 Patron margarita, or something with blue curacao in it.  The guy will inevitably ask you whats on tap.  Since no one could be bothered to actually update the tap list at this particular restaurant, it didn’t hurt to know what was available.  The words “mocha porter” practically sell itself.  There are no surprises.  Dark.  Chocolate. Beer.  The great thing was yeah, it’s not that strong.  Four mocha porters later, and that’s an extra twenty dollars on the bill.  Oh yeah, and it’s a good beer.  That too.

Vanilla Porter by Breckenridge Brewery (Breckenridge, CO):  I have seen this on tap at more than few places around here, and I cannot recommend it highly enough.  Breck’s Vanilla Porter is incredibly smooth and has a wonderful vanilla aroma mixed with the nutty flavor of the porter.  I have yet to be let down by the high elevation brewery.  Do yourself a favor and pick up their brewer’s lunchbox sampler package if you happen across it.

Smoked Porter by Stone Brewery (San Diego, CA): Ok, I know what you’re thinking.  I give this brewery a lot of shit on this blog.  Lots.  I am not particularly crazy about smoked beers either.  A traditional rauchbier is downright repulsive.  So, you can imagine this beer was a bit of a mindfuck.  Au contraire, this is my favorite beer that Stone Brewing makes.  I hate to give them any reason to flex their own muscle in the mirror and quietly grunt “fuck yeah,” but yeah, this is one damn fine beer.

90211 Porter by Sixpoint Brewery (Brooklyn, NY):  Sixpoint is a very reliable brewery out of NYC that is best known as being at the forefront of the canned craft beer movement.  While cans keep beer the freshest, try and find a place that’s got Sixpoint on tap. This was a limited brew, and don’t believe they’re canning this particular brew just yet, but if you’re on the East coast keep your eyes peeled for 90211 on tap.

Whiskey Barrel Aged Porter by Brown’s Brewing Company (Troy, NY):  I am proud to say that while this is a pick from my own area of the country, it deserves to be mentioned among any list of must try porters.  Brown’s has received a number of awards for this, including a silver medal finish at the 2008 World Beer Cup, and more recently a gold medal finish at the 2011 New York TAP Craft Beer festival.  Brown’s ages their Porter in whiskey barrels for two months.  This gives the beer a whiskey and oak flavor that adds to the already pretty awesome Brown’s Porter.  This is also something that is relatively available in 22oz bomber bottles around the region and beyond.

Yuengling Porter by Yuengling Brewery (Pottsville, PA): This is a bit of a rarity in these parts, but if you happen to find it you can buy with confidence.  Yuengling is America’s oldest brewery, and maker of reliable brews all around.  It’s a bit heavy on the carbonation, and is very light in consistency compared to other porters.

Other porters worth your time and/or money:  

• Baltic Thunderby Victory Brewing Company
• Dead Reckoning Porter by Troeg’s Brewery
• Anchor Porter by Anchor Brewing Company
• Pipeline Porter by Kona Brewing Company
• Alta Gracia Coffee Porter by Wolaver’s Organic Ales
• Taddy Porter by Samuel Smith Old Brewery

I have decided to write about something else though, something that has been coming up more in recent months than it ever has before. Apparently people are often confused about my feelings for them? Now, with a little alcohol I’m pretty much an open book about any of my thoughts, but honestly, I’ve always considered myself pretty friendly and usually approachable. I do tend to wear my feelings on my face, I’ve never felt the need to hide how I feel about anyone, so unless I’m telling you that I hate you and never want to speak to you again (without a smile on my face, context people), it’s probably pretty safe to say that I do like you, simply don’t know you enough, or I think that you hate me.

But, just in case, here is a list I’ve compiled of ways to read how Marena feels about you (this applies to both platonic and non-platonic situations):

1. If you have a beard, I’ll like you at first.
   If you have a beard it’s more than likely that I will at least give you a shot. First impressions count and the best one you could make on me is having facial hair. Of course there are beards in my history that have fucked up, so don’t count on riding on the tails of your beard for a long period of time.
2. If I’m drunk and I tell you I like/love/admire/etc you, I probably like you.
   The phrase goes, “Drunken mind speaks sober heart”, or something. When I’m sober I won’t usually make grandiose displays of affection, but give me a glass a whiskey and chances are you’ll know just how important you are to me in little to no time. This is also when I started finding out that people thought I hated them, when I drunkenly went up to them and said something along the lines of, “I’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE FRIENDS WITH YOU, YOU’RE SO COOL.” Or sometimes a simple, “I LOVE YOU” does the trick too. On the other hand, if I’m drunk and I tell you I want nothing to do with you, that’s always 100 percent accurate.
3. If I’m sober and I ignore you, I probably like you.
   Despite my outgoing nature with people I know, if I don’t know you that well, I’ll probably just ignore you because in my mind, if you want to talk to me, you will. Now when two people think that about each other it usually just ends up as a moot point. This is why my love life is virtually non-existent. There is a difference between being shy and being stupid, and unfortunately I have tendencies to be both of those things.
4. If I clean you/for you, I probably like you.
   Buttoning your shirt, straightening your hair, doing your dishes, organizing your coffee table. It’s the Virgo in me, what can I say? If I care about how you look I care about you.
5. If I buy you food or a drink, I probably like you.
   Two things I covet more than beards, food and alcohol. So, if I’m willing to share either of those things with you, I definitely like you. However, don’t count on me liking you just because you buy me a drink. I get really uncomfortable when dudes, even people I know, try to buy me drinks because of what most people think that entails, and even when acquaintances say there’s “no pressure”, when I smile, say thanks, and walk away, I’m still the bad guy somehow. Chances are I won’t like you any more if you buy me a drink, so think of some other way to talk to me.
6. If I sleep with you, I might like you.
   But it’s not guaranteed.
7. If you buy me beef jerky, I’ll like you for a night.
   My new thing, and it’s worked a handful of times, is to get people to buy me jerky instead of drinks. I’m a certified beef jerky addict, and if you soothe my craving for an hour, I’ll probably at least honor you a decent conversation. Just make sure it’s not the Matador brand.
8. If I tell you when you’re being an asshole, I probably like you.
   There’s a bit of a grey area here, if someone is an asshole to me I’ll give it right back to him/her, but if I do care about you, I’ll also tell you when you’re being a schmuck. I guess this is where context becomes important. If I care about you then I’ll care about you enough to be honest with you, and that comes more into play once I’m closer to a pal, but it’s still important!
9. If you’re outwardly misogynistic/homophobic/racist/generally close-minded, I definitely don’t like you.
   One thing irritates me more than anything and that’s people who just suck.  I don’t need to go into how awful it is to be any of the above mentioned things, but when people are proud of being so, I’ll probably tell you’re a douchebag and argue about it with you until the proverbial cows come home.

So that’s that; there are a few other things that unflinchingly adore/worship, like Roseanne, cheese, feminists, Ryan Gosling, and Michael Jackson. Tell me one joke about how Michael Jackson is a child molester and you’re definitely going to be cut off.

I can get along with all sorts of people, but there are some things that just speak to a person’s character.

5.  Fort Collins Brewery – Fort Collins, CO: 

The beer scene in the state of Colorado is one that I’m pretty jealous of.  While their distribution can vary, (No Lagunitas!) a few good friends live out that way and have brought back some really amazing stuff.  This company is not an example of that.  I had the (dis)pleasure of buying one of their sampler packs, which featured eight different styles.   Sad to say not one of them really justified the purchase at all.  Rocky Mountain IPA is a decent choice, but there are so many existing session IPAs that are light years better than this one.  Their chocolate stout tasted like black olives.  The “limited release” of the sampler was a pomegranate wheat so forgettable, I had to go back and check what I had written down.  Fort Collins, if you were a brewery from like, West Virginia, or perhaps Arkansas or something, this would be fine.  Instead, you come from the land of beer giants, and you are on notice for getting lost in the shuffle.

4.  Stone Brewing Company – Escondito, CA:  

Once again, I am here to try and cut this brewery down a peg or two.  Now, I want to preface, this is not an condemnation that their beer is bad.  While they may have been the producers of the worst beer I’ve had all year, they generally concoct a mighty fine brew.  My beef is your holier-than-thou attitude regarding your beer.  I get that you need to act like you have the best beer in the world. There’s bravery in the bravado.  Some of your beers HAVE been named the best in the world.  But do you have to be dicks about it?  I mean, the World Beer Cup hasn’t given you guys anything since 2006.  MEANWHILE IN PASO ROBLES, Firestone Walker Fine Ales continues to clean up, including mulitple Champion Brewery awards.  You’re on notice to shut up with the tough talk until you can conquer your own backyard, let alone the rest of the country.

3.  Dundee Brewing Company- Rochester, NY:

These next three all leave us in the northeastern United States, and this one is about four hours west of where I live.  Dundee Brewing company was one of the first breweries I was concious of, since my mom happened to enjoy their flagship brew “Honey Brown.”  I was a fan of Honey Brown myself, and decided to try the rest of their stuff again through a series of sampler packs.  My friend just brought one over last night, and is partly responsible for the creation of this article.  Wow, what a bunch of shit this was.  The “English-Style Ale” might be the worst name for a beer, maybe ever?  Call it anything else.  The IPA was nothing to write home about.  The Nut Brown was disappointing for a company that makes such a good brown ale otherwise.  The Porter was maybe the worst one of the batch.  Watery, lacking in flavor, and just generally uninspiring.  Dundee claims they’re the “best beer you’ve never had.”  I have had these beers, and you can do so much better.  Dundee you are on notice for lying to everyone, but also for changing the original packaging for Honey Brown.

2. Saranac/Matt Brewing Company – Utica, NY: 

I was discussing Saranac the other day with a few friends, and we reached a conclusion.  I don’t know of any other brewery that is so satisfied by releasing such mediocre beer year in and year out.  There is no fooling yourself.  Nothing is better than average from Saranac.  I was down on them for a long time, and I am almost surprising myself that they’re not number one on this list.  Saranac Pale ale is OK.  The IPA is OK.  The dozens of seasonal offerings they make are OK.  They make such a wide variety of beer, but this is one situation where quality is abandoned for quantity.  I hate to be too down on them, since they are an Upstate New York company, and represent the “spirit of the Adirondacks,” or whatever garbage they spew when trying to get me to buy beer before I go fishing.   Saranac/Matt Brewing, you are on notice for producing way more shit than reasonably consumable.  Refocus on making, I don’t know, a solid six beers instead of like 13211234 seasonal batches that all fall short of their goals.

1.  Magic Hat Brewing Company – Burlington, VT:  , 

Ah yes, Magic Hat.  Maker of brightly packaged, neo-college-hippy lifestyle themed beer that I think has it’s biggest following with people under the legal drinking age in this country.  I admit, I was not immune to this.  I used to think they were fucking awesome.  I’d collect the bottle caps with the cute little sayings on the inside, and beg my older friends to get me the new super sweet HALLOWEENZ sampler pack from the grocery store.  Times have changed.  We can start with the identity crisis they face, where while barely a craft brewery anymore, are they even a micro brew?  Magic Hat distributes with the best of them, and their merchandise and store displays are as attractive as ever.  I urge all of you, please do not buy this beer.  There are so many other options.  #9 is nothing special, and you’re lying to yourself if you think anything seasonal they make is worth your money.  Just because a beer doesn’t have a skeleton wearing sunglasses in a shea’s lounge next to a display of HUNDREDS of cases of the same garbage does not mean it is any less cool to drink it.  This brewery is likely number one in coveted “Brands that 18 year-olds beg their parents to buy so they can steal” demographic.  Magic Hat is far from the best brewery in Vermont, not to mention the crowded northeast beer scene.  Magic Hat, you are on notice for perpetuating the same tired neo-college-hippy idea that died about thirty years ago.  That, and your beer sucks too.

Well that’s it for the first edition of ON NOTICE! Join us sometime in the future for another installment.  If you have an idea for a topic, please feel free to leave it in the comments section for us.  As always, imbibe responsibly.